Taking Suggestions

Not everyone is good at taking suggestions from others for a variety of reasons.  Some people I know who are like this either think they have all the answers, they want to figure out all of their problems on their own, or they don’t like admitting they were wrong about something or did anything wrong.  If they do listen to others, they may not really hear what is being said.  It becomes difficult to be around people who are like this except for in small doses because, in a nutshell, they are self-centered and are not inclusive.

It is challenging to talk to people who only want to hear what they themselves have to say and who don’t want to consider other people’s ideas or feelings.  I end up feeling like nothing I say will ever have any validity in their eyes.  I react in one of two ways, depending on who it is and how often I have to interact with them.  I either feel compelled to keep trying to get my point across, whether I have to be blunt or very tactful, or I completely give up because it is pointless.

If you don’t want to include others’ during meetings for your organization because you don’t ever ask for their input in the form of ideas, opinions, or their vote, then don’t be surprised if they stop coming because they wanted to be involved but didn’t feel like they could be.  I have seen this plenty of times with various organizations of which I have been a part.  Those organizations that go overboard to make people feel welcome and included thrive because people are willing to put forth the effort to make things happen.  The ones where those at the top want to make all the decisions and tell everyone else how things should be lose people left and right, and the same few people end up doing more than they should.  Yet, they wonder why more people don’t just flock right in.  Word of mouth travels quickly, and people can easily be rubbed the wrong way if they perceive you are more interested in yourself or your agenda than theirs or the whole of the group.

If you are expecting others to always be there for you but are not willing to be there for others, then you need to change your ways.  If you can’t ever own up to any mistakes that you might have made or admit that you are at least sometimes part of the problem, then you can’t expect things to improve.  If you are not open to constructive criticism or making any changes, especially when you have asked for feedback, then you really can’t wonder why things never change.  Furthermore, if you have been given feedback about how your actions or attitude has negatively impacted a situation or other people and you not only continue to keep doing the same thing but your behavior becomes even worse as a result, you may be pushing someone away because you refuse to listen.  Stubbornness often doesn’t pay, and no one has all the answers or great ideas.

I think all of this boils down to how much of a “me” person you are and whether you are more of a giver or taker.  If you are thinking about yourself most of the time and how you can have your needs met, then you will most likely have these behaviors.  If you instead think about how you can meet the needs of others and understand by meeting their needs you may get your own needs met in return, then you are likely to get better results.  Really listening to the feedback people are giving you, whether you asked for it or not, is key.

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Reaching Maturity vs. Being Mature

There are numerous ways you can define maturity, but I really like this one.  That’s because it perfectly fits why the topic of maturity seems to keep finding its way into conversations about my family lately. I wish I could say it’s because I’m impressed with how mature everyone is or is becoming, but that is only partially true.

My two teenagers do continue to impress me with how they are thinking more along the lines adults would typically think, especially when it comes to how to handle certain situations.  Their behavior can still be somewhat immature at times, but their thought processes are changing.  They think about the big picture more and how their decisions affect others.  And they think less about their own needs now, at least some of the time.  They understand that they can’t have everything they want or need immediately, and they are conscious of their needs inconveniencing others.

Taking People For Granted

I think most people do this more than we might care to admit.  Even those of us who try to be conscious about not doing things of this nature can sometimes be found guilty.  It’s hard not to.  We get used to people always being there when we need them or always doing certain things either for us or that need to get done.  We forget to thank them for the everyday tasks at least every so often.  It’s one thing to consciously think about the things and people for whom we are grateful, but it’s another to express those thoughts to them.

Unfortunately, it’s usually the people we care about the most whom we end up taking for granted.  And it isn’t until they either walk away or stop doing the things we are used to them doing that we realize how important those things are and that person really is to us.  It shouldn’t be that way.  It is easy to slip into a situation where we feel we are being taken for granted.  Likewise, if the other person allows it, it’s equally as easy to do it to them.  It’s something that takes conscious effort and being able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  If you’ve ever been taken for granted, you know how that feels, and you shouldn’t want others whom you care about to experience that feeling.  We also need to make it clear to others that we will not allow ourselves to be taken for granted, even if it means having to make some changes including walking away in order to get the point across.

I think this is one of those things that you can talk about all you want, but unless you model it for your kids, they will not learn to really appreciate those whom they would normally take for granted.  

Do Opposites Really Attract?

Years ago, I might have said yes, but now I am not so sure.  My husband and I are very opposite in a lot of ways.  He’s more athletic than I am, and I am more into music, theater, and art related interests.  There is a little overlap in the music we listen to, but we definitely have different tastes. He is not very good at getting back to people or getting things done for them that he said he would do, and I drop what I am doing to do things for other people because I don’t like to keep people hanging.  He turns on practically every light as he moves around the house, but my eyes prefer dim light, so I am always turning them down or off.  I’m not all that comfortable being the center of attention, and he craves the spotlight.  I’m more of a rule follower, and he operates more as if the rules don’t apply to him.  

Being Selfish

I read this quote and immediately thought that this sums up several of my previous posts.  I thought of ones titled “Compromise“, “Givers and Takers“, “Parenting Your Spouse and Constructive Criticism“, “Being A Good Listener“, “Equal Parenting“, “Undermining Your Spouse“, “It’s Not About the Laundry…”, “Loving Someone Unconditionally“, “Following Directions“, “Being A Minimalist“, “Control“, and more.

You really have to be willing to give in many ways and make compromises in any kind of relationship as well as put others’ needs above your own and be able to work together.  A selfish person is not usually good at any of those things.  There has to be give and take, but that doesn’t mean the selfish person doing all the taking and someone else doing all the giving.  Regardless of the type of relationship (romantic, friendships, family members), both people’s needs have to be met, and selfish people are not good at doing that.  

Being Thoughtful

One of the things about another person that stands out for me is how thoughtful they are.  This can mean many things.  It can be how much they put others’ needs above their own, how frequently they do things like hold a door open or let someone go first, or the fact that they will drop everything and be there for someone else, if necessary, even if it means it will inconvenience them.  It could also be doing things for other people that they don’t have to but do anyway because they know it will make the other person feel good, such as calling or texting to ask how they or doing or surprising them with something like flowers or a small gift.  Anyone who is willing to give of his or her time, whether it’s to support a cause or to lend an ear, is a very thoughtful person in my book.

To me, how thoughtful someone is says a WHOLE lot about that person’s character in general.

Being A Minimalist

Being a minimalist is something I end up talking to my kids about every so often because they are all minimalists.  Most of the time they only want to do the bare minimum when asked to do something.  Fortunately, this doesn’t apply to their schoolwork but rather times when they are asked to do something around the house and in other situations.  For example, if there are three books on the floor that all go on the bookshelf in the same spot but my son only read two of them, he will only put those two away when asked (and reminded) to clean up and will leave the third on the floor.  They often moan and groan at being asked to do simple chores like bring in the recycling bins.  If I ask them to throw a food wrapper away that was left somewhere right near where they are sitting, I usually get, “That’s not mine.” or “I didn’t put it there, so why should I have to clean it up?” as a response.  When there is a large amount of stuff in one room to be cleaned up, I sometimes get asked, “What is the minimum amount I need to do right now?”  They want to get back to or don’t want to be pulled away from what they want to do.

I realize this is pretty typical for kids because I was also a minimalist when I was a kid. At some point though I started to think about what I could do to be helpful to other people and how it would make them feel, rather than always thinking about how it would impact me.  

Your Reputation

It’s funny how people who have good character don’t seem to worry much about what people are thinking or saying about them.  They know they are good people and are not motivated by what people think of them in the first place.  They give to others, for example, because they know it makes others feel good, which makes them feel good in return, not because it will make them look good.  People say positive things about them because they are positive people with positive qualities.  Their reputation speaks for itself, so they don’t need to try to make themselves look good.

On the other hand, I know someone in particular who is always worried about me speaking negatively about him, yet he has plenty of negative qualities that he doesn’t feel he needs to change.  For example, he will say whatever he needs to say to get whatever he wants, even if it means being deceitful or asking others to be deceitful as well and making others look like they don’t know what they are talking about, all to prevent him from getting caught in a lie and looking bad.  If I do point out anything negative that he does, he tries to turn it around as if I am so much worse of a person for pointing out anything negative about him than he is for doing those things in the first place.  I am supposed to work harder at not saying anything negative about him, yet he can continue to be as disrespectful and deceitful and whatever other negative qualities as he wants.  That seems really fair.  Basically, his reputation speaks for itself as well.  He just doesn’t get that.  Perhaps he is so concerned about what I might say about him because he knows there are PLENTY of negative things I COULD point out about him.  If that weren’t the case, then he wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  I have said numerous times that if he doesn’t want anyone to ever say anything negative about him, then he shouldn’t keep doing all of the negative things that he does.

The best way to have a good reputation is to earn it by having good character and doing the right thing in the first place, not by covering your tracks in any way possible, especially at the expense of others, and by making anyone who points out any of your flaws look like the bad guy.  That just makes you look even worse to people.  It may take some people longer than others to see them, but your true colors will always come shining through eventually.  You won’t need to toot your own horn to impress anyone either if you focus on having good character because you won’t have to try to make yourself look better than you really are.

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Control

The word control has different connotations because it can mean a number of different things.  If that word evokes a negative feeling for you, then perhaps you are feeling out of control about some aspect(s) of your life, or perhaps you have experienced someone who you feel is too controlling.  If it evokes a positive feeling, perhaps you are feeling in control or think of it as a positive trait, like being able to control your emotions or reactions.

Some people feel a strong need to be in control, no matter what the circumstances.  They may like to plan everything out, dominate conversations, always get what they want, be in charge, be the center of attention, and so on.  They may not be able to adapt to change or “go with the flow” as well as others.  Some people don’t like to feel like they are being controlled and typically like to do things at their own pace and schedule and don’t like to follow routines or directions.  I have a spouse who feels the need to be in control in certain situations except the ones where he should be, like when it comes to parenting, but doesn’t want anyone else controlling him and often feels like I am trying to control him when I am not.  I’m sure this stems from having parents who are too controlling.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t recognize that he has control issues or want to do anything about it, and that has been a major underlying issue for us.  I’m pretty sure the word control has a negative connotation for him.

It’s too bad certain people cannot let go of the need to be in control, be first, or be the best at whatever it is that they do.  The way people drive comes to mind as I write this.  Imagine how much better the roads would be if people let go of these needs.  There are so many things we cannot control, like the weather, certain hormones, and how other people drive.  We cannot control what other people do and say, either.  But what we can control is how we act and react, our expectations and assumptions, our attitude, how well we listen, how well we pay attention, how respectful we are, the good or bad choices we make, how honest and sincere we are, how much we smile and laugh, how helpful and cooperative we are, how much we are willing to compromise, how kind and generous we are, how well we communicate, and whether or not we look for opportunities to make the world a better place.  And that just neatly summed up numerous previous posts.

If you have any thoughts to share on this topic, please feel free to click on “Leave a Comment” below the title to this post.  You can easily read any or all previous posts by clicking on the “Home” page tab and scrolling through the topics, or you can search by clicking on a category or tag word or by using the search box to the left.

Stubbornness

Some people may think being stubborn is the way to go to get what they want all the time, but it’s really not.  People who always insist things go their way are very challenging to work with or be with and end up frustrating the people around them more than anything.  They rub people the wrong way and make other people not want to even be around them, let alone give into what they want.  There may be some people who are willing to just give in for the sake of keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, but I would say most people get tired of someone else always getting their way.

The problem in my house is that I have an entire family of stubborn people, so life is just a little challenging at times.  OK, life is a LOT challenging a good part of the time.  I can’t seem to convince any of them that life is about give and take and not always being right or first or having everything the way you want it when you want it all the time.  My middle child is sometimes willing to walk away or not do something he wants to do just to avoid or end a conflict, but the other two … not so much.  My kids aren’t little kids anymore either, so they shouldn’t expect to get their way all the time.

And then there’s my husband who is not a team player at all and can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that I might actually know more about something or have a better idea of how to do something than he does.  He pouts like a spoiled kid would when he doesn’t get his way, and plenty of other people notice this, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he is doing this and how it is affecting what people think of him.  So it is not really a surprise to me that my kids are very stubborn as well. I can be stubborn to a point sometimes too, but not like he is.

So much of the conflict in my house could be avoided or minimized if one child would just be willing to leave the room they are in but don’t need to be in at the moment because someone else who does need to be in that room is doing something that bothers them, simply because they were there first.  So much time is wasted bickering over who gets to do something like be on the computer first or for how long.  I end up telling them neither can be on it, or they waste so much time arguing over it that if they both get to use it, they both get really short turns.  Perhaps one day they will figure it out that it’s better for both of them if one person can let the other go first, and the next time they can be first.

If you are willing to compromise and not always have your way, and you are dealing with other people who think along the same lines, then life can be a lot less chaotic and stressful.  In the long run, you should get things your way enough of the time because others will remember that you let them have their way other times and should be willing to reciprocate.  And maybe people will even see how willing you usually are to give up what you want and will go the extra mile to do something really nice for you to show you how much they appreciate your flexibility and unselfishness.  So instead of being a “taker”, try being a “giver” and see how much people are willing to give back to you in return.  It’s one thing to be determined to reach your goals and things along those lines, but being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn, refusing to consider other points of view or let someone else have their way gets really old really quickly.

If you have any thoughts to share on this topic, please feel free to click on “Leave a Comment” below the title to this post.  You can easily read any or all previous posts by clicking on the “Home” page tab and scrolling through the topics, or you can search by clicking on a category or tag word or by using the search box to the left.